


He's an asshole, isn't he?

by erytheis



Series: Just a dude playing a dude [2]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Tropic Thunder (2008)
Genre: Avengers: Age of Ultron (Movie), Bodyswap, Gen, Post-Iron Man 3, Tony Stark Still Has Arc Reactor, alternative universes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-26
Updated: 2018-08-26
Packaged: 2019-07-03 00:10:17
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,238
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15807360
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/erytheis/pseuds/erytheis
Summary: Tony's life is weird, okay, it's been weird since 2008. So really, an alternative universe where he's an Australian actor shouldn't be that strange. If only he didn't play himself in a movie.





	He's an asshole, isn't he?

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! So I really wasn't planning on writing the Tony version, I didn't want to write real people in it, but then I got a comment and well, this happened, and only in a week, which for me is like 5 seconds in writing time, believe me. 
> 
> Anyway, since I didn't want to write real people too much, I focused on an original character, another kid for Tony to adopt :) Some of the dialogue is straight out of Age of Ultron, and if this weirdly reminds you of Supernatural's The French Mistake, well, it's because I know nothing about the film industry and all that, and had to take from somewhere.
> 
> I know I tagged the other fic as Stony, but in this one it really didn't show, so I tagged it as gen. If any, a little ThunderIron spontaneously appeared, so I had to tone it down. Still, the ending could be seen as pre-Stony, if you want to. 
> 
> English is not my first language, so if you find any mistake, please tell me and I'll correct it. And I think that's all! I hope you enjoy it! Have a nice day :)

Of all the outcomes Tony could had expected, that was not one of them. One moment he was working on his quantum field generator and the next he bolted up from a really, really comfy bed, which reminded him he hadn’t slept in over seventy-six hours, or so had JARVIS told him earlier in the lab. The lab, where he was supposed to be.

“JARVIS?” Tony tried anyway, even if he knew he wasn’t in the tower, because he could feel his phone in his pocket, and JARVIS should be connected to it. But no answer, so Tony took the phone out.

“Ew, an Iphone.” Tony threw the damn Iphone on the bed, asking himself how did it end up in his back pocket. That was more of a mystery than how Tony had ended up on that strange bed.

Tony found a lamp near his head, so he turned it on and looked around. He was in what looked like the bedroom space of a weirdly shaped apartment, and he was alone. He approached the nearest window and threw the curtain open, only to see some cars, vans and trailers, dimly lit by the moonlight. So he must be in a trailer too, an overly big trailer sumptuously decorated, even by his standards.

So no JARVIS. That sucked, but it wasn’t the first time Tony found himself alone in a new environment, and it wouldn’t be the last. At least now he wasn’t in a cave filled with terrorists, or in a wormhole in space, or in the middle of Nowhere, Tennessee.

He waited for a few minutes, on edge, expecting trouble to come at him as it always did, but nothing happened, and Tony felt himself growing more and more tired.

“Okay, I’ll have to call the team.” Tony resigned himself to using the abomination that was the Iphone, only to find it locked. “I’m too tired to hack a fucking Iphone now. JARVIS, turn off the lights.”

Obviously, the lights stayed on, but Tony didn’t care. Exhaustion was creeping over him, and the bed was inviting, and threat wasn’t imminent, or so it seemed. So Tony just laid his head on the fluffy pillow and was out instantaneously.

 

* * *

 

The sound of bustling activity woke Tony up. His internal clock told him he’d slept a little over six hours, twice his usual, so he felt a little groggy while sitting up. A quick glance at the phone (ugh) confirmed it, it was 8.16 am and outside people were going from place to place, all in a hurry, indecipherable and loud conversations mixed with occasional yelling.

Still, no one entered Tony’s trailer, which was a little anticlimactic. Tony was expecting some bad guys to barge in through the door, pointing guns at him, but again nothing happened, so Tony let himself relax a little. The people he saw through the window looked like civilians, harmless enough, so he could deal with them and at least ask them where he was.

Tony saw two doors at the other end of the trailer, so he made his way there, not without first going through the kitchenette and grabbing a small knife and a corkscrew and hiding them in his pockets. They would sure be more useful than the Iphone.

Tony tried the door to his left and found the exit. But he only had time to walk down the couple stairs that separated the door and the ground when a stressed young man came running directly to him. He didn’t look especially threatening, so Tony let him.

“Mr. Lazarus! What are you doing up? We thought you’d sleep till the afternoon; you have no scenes programed for this morning.”

“What?” Tony replied, dumbstruck. “Who are you?”

“I’m Jaime Holley, one of your assistants? I brought you coffee last night when you were doing your, uhm, Tony Stark… something… Maneuver, you said?”

“What?” Tony couldn’t help but repeat.

“If you want to, Mr. Lazarus, I could arrange to have your breakfast brought up to your trailer.”

“Oh my God, why are you calling me that,” Tony said, disbelief in his voice. It had been long since he hadn’t been recognized or had been confused with someone else, but that guy obviously knew who he was, someway, as he’d said something about his maneuver? What maneuver?

“Because you…” Jaime something seemed as confused as Tony, but then a dash of realization crossed his face. “Oh, of course, if you’d prefer me to call you Mr. Stark?”

“Yeah, I would. Obviously.” What the fuck was wrong with that guy? Of course he’d liked to be called by his name.

“Obviously. Uhm, breakfast, Mr. Stark?”

“Just coffee, black with three sugars. I’ll be in… my trailer.”

“Black, are you sure Mr. La… Mr. Stark?”

“Did I stutter? Aren’t you my assistant, do as I say. Please,” he added, because he was being kind of a dick, but well, it was all confusing.

Surprisingly, that Jaime looked even more surprised at his manners, but nodded and hurried somewhere behind the row of vans. What had happened? Had Tony hit his head and lost his memories, and that’s why he had a new assistant, and a trailer? But why was he calling him Mr. La-?

Kirk Lazarus. Ugh. Tony had turned around to walk the steps back to his trailer, and that name was on the door, in fancy golden writing. So not his trailer, was it? What was going on?

Tony hurried back to the trailer and shut the door behind his back. His eyes went to the couch, or more exactly, the laptop on top, and he ran to it. He turned it on and rapidly hacked it, and then directly opened the browser and typed his name into the search bar.

The first website was Tony Stark’s Wikipedia page, so nothing new. But the next two were Tony Stark’s Marvel Cinematic Universe Wiki and Anthony Stark (Earth-616) Marvel Database. Tony shook his head and clicked on his Wikipedia page, focusing on the first line.

_Iron Man is a fictional superhero appearing in American comic books published by Marvel Comics._

Fictional superhero.

Fictional.

Comic books.

Oh my God.

Tony took a deep breath, trying not to lose his mind, and searched another name. Kirk Lazarus.

_Kirk Thomas Wilson (born 14 October, 1968), better known by his stage name Kirk Lazarus, is an Australian actor._

Apparently he was a renowned actor, winner of too many awards for it to be real, and he played Tony Stark, the fictional character, among many, many others. That guy’s filmography was never-ending.

And he looked exactly like Tony, and not in the usual guy grows a goatee and tries to be like him, but as in he was a literal clone of Tony with blonde hair, blue eyes, and questionable fashion sense.

“Oh my God, it’s one of Richards’s alternative universes. But where is the guy? Is he in my universe?” Tony brought his hand to his chest, to nervously tap at his arc reactor, but he only found flesh. “Fuck, I’m in his body.”

A knock on the door startled him, and Tony quickly closed the laptop and went to the door. Jaime was there, with his coffee.

“There you go, Mr. Stark. Your black coffee with three sugars”

“Ah, thank you kid.” Tony grabbed the coffee. “And, uh, you really don’t need to call me Mr. Stark anymore. I’m sorry I was an asshole. I guess I’m still a little tired.”

Again, Jaime looked surprised Tony was being kind to him, which made him wonder what a dick that Kirk Lazarus must be. Well, Tony knew his fair share of actors, so it wasn’t really that strange.

“Alright, Mr. Lazarus. Do you need anything else?”

“Actually, if I give you a list, could you get me something?”  Tony was already making a mental list of all the materials and tools he would need to build the field generator again. He was 76% sure whatever had happened had been related to the machine.

“Of course.” Jaime didn’t look particularly surprised, so it must be a common occurrence with Lazarus. He took a tablet out of nowhere and stared at Tony, waiting.

“I’ll be best if I do it,” Tony said, reaching for the tablet and quickly typing all he needed, improvising, because some of the materials may be difficult to come by if you weren’t the head of a tech company’s R&D. Jaime frowned when Tony returned him the tablet, and it seemed he was going to object, but finally stayed silent.

“I’ll try to get you this. If you need me or anyone else, we’ll be nearby. I’ll have your lunch delivered in a few hours. And you are scheduled to start filming at 4.00 pm, so you’ll be needed in makeup at 3.00.”

Right. Lazarus didn’t seem to be there, so Tony would have to pretend to be him. If he started telling people he was Tony Stark, he would end up locked up in a psychiatric hospital.

“Yeah. Do you know where the script is?” Tony asked, trying to sound nonchalant, but Jaime stared at him with confusion.

“I’ll have it delivered, too. Have a good day, Mr. Lazarus.”

Jaime left, and Tony closed again the door, taking a sip of the coffee. The day was going to be a nightmare.

 

* * *

 

 While Tony waited for either the materials of his list or the script to be delivered, he tried the other door in the trailer, which lead to the bathroom. Tony almost had a heart attack when he saw his eyes, but thankfully he still had his dark hair and goatee, even if they were dyed, so Lazarus must be playing him in the movie he was filming, which made sense, because Jaime had called him Mr. Stark. That thought piqued his curiosity; he’d seen Lazarus had played him several times, and wondered what the movies were about, if they shared any truths of his real experiences.

So Tony opened the laptop again and searched for the movies, and was horrified when the synopses were painfully accurate to the real deal. He watched a few clips and almost started having a panic attack, since he was seeing himself there, half-dead and betrayed, looking up at Obadiah while he took the arc reactor out of his chest. After that he watched some more scenes, but the wormhole incident was the last straw, so he closed the laptop shut and tried to calm his breathing, while clasping his chest, where the comforting yet painful presence of the arc reactor was unfortunately absent.

So the knock on the door was a relief. It wasn’t Jaime, but some girl equally stressed, and she handed him the script instead of the list materials he would have preferred. Tony had to fight his instincts that told him not to accept things handed to him, but he managed, and excused the girl as soon as possible.

Alright, the script. _Avengers: Age of Ultron_.

“What the hell? Ultron is far from ready,” Tony muttered while flipping the pages, rapidly reading over them. It was all really fucked up, and Tony was glad he hadn’t lived it, but then he remembered all the other movies were actual retellings of the real events. “No. That’s not going to happen. Fuck the scepter, I’m not going to lose JARVIS!”

Tony ended up throwing the script in the garbage, wanting nothing to do with it, but he had engraved on his brain all the things he’d have to avoid doing to prevent those events.

Tony could have gone outside, but he didn’t want to impersonate someone he knew nothing about; he would be having enough of that in the afternoon when he would have to show up to fucking act as himself. So Tony waited, snooping around the trailer trying to find something he could turn into a weapon, but even Tony Stark had his limits. So far, the corkscrew had remained his best option.

After two hours of boredom, so an eternity for Tony, another knock came from the door, and Tony jumped to open it, expecting the items of the list. And there was Jaime and two more people, carrying all several huge bags.

“We tried to get as much as possible, and some things will arrive later today or tomorrow, but others are impossible to find. I’m so sorry, Mr. Lazarus,” said Jaime, clearly scared of Tony’s reaction, but Tony wasn’t expecting to have everything right away. Actually, he was surprised of all they’d actually gotten, and so fast.

“It’s alright, I don’t need everything,” Tony lied. “Let’s put this inside.”

Jaime and the other two did as said, and all threw Tony suspicious looks when he also helped with two of the bags. Tony was really starting to hate Kirk Lazarus.

“Jaime, please, wait a sec,” Tony asked, when the other two had already left and Jaime was ready to follow them. But Tony needed to talk to someone or he might go crazy. Besides, he needed someone to help him set up the field generator, since he lacked DUM-E and U.

Jaime stayed, closing the door and moving closer to Tony. “What do you need me for, Mr. Lazarus?”

“Just hold this for now. When I ask you, pass me one of those screws. I’ll start building the framework.”

And for the first time since Tony found himself on Lazarus’s bed, he let himself relax. He explained every step to Jaime, like he did with his bots, even if the very human assistant had far more dexterity with his hands. He couldn’t go much further than the framework with the material he had, but at least he could distract himself from the whole situation.

“Now, the titanium would be optimal for this, but since our stash is limited, aluminum will do for now. You said more things were coming later, didn’t you?”

“Mr. Lazarus, are you okay?” These were the first words Jaime had spoken since he’d started helping him build the generator, apart from the occasional question to clarify which tool he had meant. Tony stared at him, his hands still working methodically. “You seem a little off today. And not to mention, you specifically told us we should never let you near real workshop tools, and to stop you if you were.”

“Then why aren’t you?” Tony asked, with a smile.

“You don’t actually seem… ugh… like you were before. You seem… well-balanced.”

“Kid, I’ve been accused of many things, but never of this.”

“Yeah, I guess. I mean, I saw the videos.”

“The videos?” Tony raised an eyebrow, curious.

“Yeah, you know, the whole… flipping paparazzi off, or punching them…”

“Oh my God. He’s an asshole, isn’t he?”

“Excuse me?”

“That Kirk Lazarus. What a dick. It’s all the same with those actors.”

Jaime was left open-mouthed, obviously trying to figure out if his boss was trolling him or if he was crazy. Tony decided to explain himself, since he actually needed to know how he should act to pass as Lazarus, and who would know better than his own assistant?

“Listen Jaime, you’ve said it yourself. I’m acting strange. Do you really think I’m Lazarus?”

“Ah… is it happening again, Mr. Lazarus? Do you need me to call your therapist?”

“No, Jaime, I don’t do shrinks. And don’t call me Mr. Lazarus anymore, call me Tony.”

“I’m going to call Dr. Beckett, just to be sure.” Jaime tried to stand up, but Tony stopped him.

“Please, don’t. I know it sounds crazy. Hell, by what you’re saying, Lazarus seems to be half-crazy already. But you have to believe me, please.”

“I… I’m not qualified to deal with this.” The poor kid didn’t know what to do, and Tony softened inside.

“Yes you are. You only have to open your mind.” And he was sounding like a yoga instructor, bad idea. “Listen, I don’t know what happened, but I was working in my lab, in my universe where I am not a fictional character but a very real person, and then suddenly I was here. I don’t know where Lazarus is, presumably in my place, but I assure you I am Tony Stark. And I will fix this.”

Jaime didn’t look like he believed him, but at least he wasn’t running off. So Tony continued.

“Isn’t Kirk Lazarus Australian? How come I’m talking in a very American accent then?”

That made Jaime laugh, even if Tony didn’t know what was so funny. “You’re a method actor. You’re always on character for the duration of filming. Now less than before, but still.”

“Okay, got it, Lazarus is a weird dude. What if I give you a lecture in Advanced Thermodynamics, could Lazarus do that?” Tony didn’t wait for Jaime’s answer and started talking, not only about thermodynamics, but other branches as well, whatever came to mind.

“I don’t think you’re making that up, but I’m no expert,” Jaime interrupted after some long minutes, and Tony remembered he wasn’t sharing his knowledge, but trying to prove a point. “But still, you’ve learned a lot of languages or fighting styles just for a single scene in a movie. You could have learnt that.”

“How do you give an actor so much credit, kid?” Tony sighed, trying to find new ways to make Jaime believe him. He gave up. “Okay, tell me, what should I do to convince you I’m Tony Stark?”

“I don’t know. I mean, you could always lie, so… nothing, really.” Tony sighed again, defeated, certain that Jaime was going to call the therapist now. The good news was that at least it wasn’t the first time Lazarus had been delusional, or so it seemed. Oh, wait?

What if he really was Kirk Lazarus? What if he was an actor dissociating and thinking he was his character? What if he was a _lie_?

“Mr. Lazarus? Hey, are you okay?” Tony shook his head, coming back to reality and realizing he’d started hyperventilating.

Yeah, no. Tony wasn’t Kirk Lazarus, obviously, it was impossible to imagine all his memories and knowledge, all while actually forgetting his real life. So, hypothesis dismissed, fortunately.

“You just made me have an identity crisis, as in I seriously considered if I was Kirk Lazarus and just didn’t remember it. But anyway, you don’t wanna believe me, don’t. But I need help anyway. I know how to play Tony Stark, trust me, I’ve put on an act since I was twenty-one. But I don’t know how to be an _actual_ actor. I mean, I did a cameo in a movie once, but I was drunk off my ass and it was years ago. So, tell me about the secrets of the industry, all I need to know to pass as Lazarus. Oh, and the name of the other actors, and the director, and if they’re friend of foe. I mean, the writers are definitely foe, that script was garbage, and I assure you once I’m back in my universe I’m going to flush the Ultron project down the metaphorical drain.”

“Wait, you’ve actually read the script?” Jaime asked, wide-eyed and more incredulous than Tony had seen him before. And he’d seen him plenty surprised, alright?

“Yeah, I hated it.”

“Prove it.”

“Okay. Clint doesn’t have a secret wife and kids. They’re his sister-in-law, nephew and niece, but he doesn’t know that I know. And that Cap line about language? Steve’s an army soldier from the forties, he swears more than you and me combined. He would never say something as stupid, it wouldn’t slip up, I promise you, it is me who has to scold him when he swears in front of little kids.”

“Yeah, Chris Evans has fought about the line too, I’ve heard.”

“Who?”

“Captain America’s actor. But it still hasn’t been filmed, so you wouldn’t know about it yet. Which means you’ve read the script. Which means you’re not Kirk Lazarus.”

“Thank God,” muttered Tony, relieved. “Wait, really? You know I’m not Kirk Lazarus because I’ve read the script? How does he even act, then?”

“The director roughly tells him what he should do in every scene. And then Lazarus does whatever he wants.”

“Ugh,” Tony said, not sure about this technique, but if he was an actor he would do the same, to be honest. “Anyway, now that you believe me, tell me all I need to know for this afternoon. And tell me about Lazarus.”

 

* * *

 

 Jaime was a lifesaver. Tony soaked all the information, listening attentively, only asking some precise questions once in a while but otherwise letting Jaime do the talking. Jaime explained all he needed to know and more, including all the minimal details by Tony’s request. Tony kept tinkering with the generator while he listened, after assuring Jaime he was paying attention and only keeping his hands busy, but soon the lack of resources forced him to stop; he’d have to wait to finish it.

They covered the movie they were filming and everybody involved in it, as well as Lazarus’s career and social life, and also the world in general. Some celebrities existed in both universes, but many were exclusive, so Tony got a crash course in world politics and pop culture, even if Jaime said Lazarus didn’t know most of them anyway. But Tony was curious, and any change was important, if only to collect notes and pass them to Reed at his return.

The girl that gave him the script and the other two that helped Jaime earlier, presumably also Lazarus’s assistants, brought them lunch in the trailer. Tony hadn’t seen so much food together in ages, and he was currently living with a supersoldier and a god whose appetites were endless. Tony would have invited everybody to stay and eat, he wasn’t even hungry to begin with, but it would be too much explaining and the fewer people that knew about him, the better. Besides, they were giving him and Jaime enough puzzled looks, so Tony let them leave.

“Everybody’s going to think I’m fucking Kirk Lazarus,” Jaime lamented after one of his co-workers smiled and winked at him before closing the door.

“What?” Tony was alarmed.

“It wouldn’t be the first time he had an affair with an assistant. Or the second. Or third. And so on.”

“Oh my God, but he wouldn’t, would he? That would be so wrong. I mean, are you even allowed to drink yet? Were the other assistants?”

“I’m twenty-two.” Jaime frowned, offended, and Tony smiled. “And as far as I know, regardless of age, it was always the assistant that started it. I mean, it’s Kirk Lazarus.”

Tony had seen literal teenagers throwing themselves at him for the exact same reason, ‘it’s Tony Stark’. “Still. Actors are douchebags. Watch out and be careful.”

“He’s not going to do anything, Tony. God, you're worse than my mother. Deep down he’s a cool guy just… a little self-absorbed.”

Jaime kept briefing him on Lazarus 101 until it was time for him to get ready for makeup, as Jaime kindly reminded him. So they left the trailer, Tony behind Jaime, letting him lead the way since he had no clue where to go.

Tony didn’t say much while he was dressed in an all dark suit, sans jacket and with a fake light from the arc reactor in his chest, and a makeup artist starting working on his face. He even said less when the body of Captain America, aka Chris Evans in that universe, sat on the chair beside him. Tony brushed off Evans’s attempts at conversation, trying to not be overly rude because according to Jaime, Lazarus was good friends with him, and wished he had a phone or a tablet to occupy his hands with, but no way in hell he would have carried that damn second-rate Iphone. Fortunately, they finished with him in a few more minutes, ending their work after poking him in the eyes with brown contact lenses. Tony looked briefly at the mirror before running off, and only saw himself, which was both disturbingly fake and comforting.

Tony followed Jaime again, glad at least he was not alone in all that craziness. If he could, he would bring the kid back to his universe to work on Stark Industries for Pepper, or maybe Maria, or even himself, because he was one hell of an assistant, and he could deal with unimaginable situations rather well.

“Alright Tony, over there is Joss Whedon, he’ll want to talk to you.” Jaime pointed the man Tony had seen in Wikipedia and recognized him as the director _and_ writer of the movie, so he didn’t trust him. Apparently Lazarus didn’t either, so he was allowed to be little bit of an asshole.

That guy started telling him which scene they were going to film and what he expected of him, and Tony wanted to yell at him that he’d just read his garbage script and already knew what he wanted, but that wasn’t Lazarus, so Tony pretended to listen while in reality he was looking over the set, a perfect replica of the lab in the tower, if not for the cameras and lights, and the lack of walls.

“You’ve just lost your AI, so you’re actually devastated, but trying to hide it.” No shit. If Tony lost JARVIS, he would not only be devastated, he would be a literal wreck, ten times the dying-of-palladium-poisoning level of wreck. He’d temporarily lost him in Tennessee and had an anxiety attack over it. When he was back in his universe, Tony would make a hundred data backups and upgrade his physical servers, just in case.

Soon the filming started. It was so weird, seeing his friends but knowing it wasn’t them, that he missed his cue, and only noticed when everybody looked expectantly at him.

“JARVIS,” he finally said, and walked to his mark, where he was supposed to make a hologram of JARVIS’s destroyed consciousness appear. Supposed to because in that universe the technology barely even existed, and he was just senselessly moving his hand, feeling like an idiot. Still, he could imagine what the 3D hologram would look like, so he was sure that Whedon prick would be satisfied with his ‘devastated’ face.

“Cut!” Whedon shouted after a few more lines, startling Tony. “Alright, good job. Hey, Laz, try not to be so overly dramatic, and react quicker, there was too much despair this time.”

Tony frowned when he realized the director was talking to him, and if it hadn’t been for Stev– Evans! – grabbing his arm, he would have yelled at his face about how much despair he would bring him.

“From the top. Ruffalo, rolling… now!”

And they repeated the scene a few more times, and Tony didn’t miss his cue again, and tried not to show ‘too much despair’. Acting was so, so boring. Once wasn’t good enough, no, you had to repeat the scene a hundred times. What a monotonous, tedious job.

“Cut! That was great. Let’s get Lazarus in that harness!” Tony realized too late that that was him.

“Whoa, harness? What for?”

“I’ve decided to change Thor’s entrance a little bit. He’s going to grab you and lift you by your throat.”

“What? Thor?” Tony emphasized, baffled. “Like his psycho brother did?”

“Sorry, mate,” the other Chris, Hemsworth, in full Thor garb, said with a smile. “You wouldn’t have a choking kink, would you?”

“Oh, if you knew,” Tony played along, but inside he was freaking out, because Thor was going to fucking grab his neck and actually lift him off the floor. _Thor_. Man, Thor was his friend, he wouldn’t do that, would he? That just was that delusional director, right?

Still, knowing it wasn’t really Thor grabbing his neck didn’t make it any easier, and neither did the harness. He felt no pain, sure, but he got to look into Thor’s eyes, because that was Thor right there, not the smiling actor from a few seconds ago, so angry with him he reacted with violence, even if the Ultron situation wasn’t his fault. Because it wasn’t, right?

Whedon was satisfied with just two takes though, so that was a bonus. Right after he yelled cut, Hemsworth would smile at him again and pat him in the back affectionately, and Tony was more than ready to go back to his universe. He would pay all his fortune to be fighting dumb Doombots right now, or that giant alien octopus.

So the filming proceeded, and Tony’s willpower was being reduced every time that Stane lookalike yelled cut. Finally, he lost it in one of the takes, and started hysterically laughing when he was supposed to say Ultron hadn’t been ready.

“You think this is funny?” Hemsworth asked, but he was still in character, so the other actors were rolling with it. Whedon didn’t yell cut either, so they were good. If only Tony wasn’t that close to a meltdown.

“No. It’s probably not, right?” Tony looked around him. It really wasn’t funny. There were his fellow Avengers, and Rhodey, and Maria and Helen. But they weren’t really there, they were just pretending. But still, it felt so real. If it weren’t for the cameras, he would swear he really was talking to his friends. But friends don’t grab each other by the throat. “Is this very terrible? Is it so… Is it so…“ More hysterical laughing, but he couldn’t help it. It was that or starting crying. “It is. It’s so terrible.”

“This could’ve been avoided if you hadn’t played with something you don’t understand.” Hemsworth continued, and Tony approached him, pissed. Because that was not the Thor he knew, and at the same time it was, it was so real. And then Ruffalo intervened, and that was such a Bruce move Tony felt he was transported back in his universe, in his lab, arguing loudly with Bruce after many hours of uninterrupted work.

But Tony remembered he was not there, he was in a strange dimension where he was an actor who was supposed to follow the script. So he backtracked the scene, but he couldn’t shed the hysterical tone.

“Anybody remember when I carried a nuke through a wormhole?” Tony suppressed a shiver, but Whedon had insisted on this, said it was important for the whole cinematic universe context. He’d even tried to play on his guilty feelings, saying how much freedom he gave him, so if he could for once do what he asked. Whatever. At least he’d read the script, and knew what was following, which didn’t make it any easier.

“No, it’s never come up, no,” Rhodey said with a poker face, and it hurt. It hurt even though that was just an actor, not his best friend who’d helped him through panic attacks caused by the same event he just mentioned.

“Saved New York?”

“Never heard that.” Again, it broke his heart.

“Recall that? A hostile alien army came charging through a hole in space. We’re standing three hundred feet below it. We’re the Avengers. We can bust arms dealers all the livelong day, but, that up there? That’s… that’s the end game. How were you guys planning on beating that?” And that was the whole reason Tony had started working on Ultron, and the Iron Legion. Ever since seeing those enormous starships in space, and knowing a simple nuke wouldn’t do that much damage, Tony had known the truth. The vision he was supposed to be given in the script just confirmed it; Tony only hoped Ultron wouldn’t backfire on them in his own universe like it did in this movie.

“Together,” said Evans, but Tony only saw Steve’s determined face.

“We’ll lose.”

“Then we’ll do that together, too.” Tony felt the treacherous tears forming in his eyes, but he didn’t want to cry, not there, where strangers wore the faces of his friends. “Thor’s right. Ultron’s calling us out. And I’d like to find him before he’s ready for us. The world’s a big place. Let’s start making it smaller.”

“Cut!” Whedon finally yelled, and Tony sighed deeply, trying to calm himself down without spilling any tears. That was exhausting, he couldn’t deal with more takes. “Alright, let’s roll again from the wormhole. Lazarus, be ready. Three. Two. And… rolling.”

That fucking demon made him repeat the scene three more times, only to finally decide the first take was the best. If Tony wasn’t so emotionally compromised (and if he had his armor) he would have blasted him through the chest with the repulsor, but he was still actively trying not to cry, so he did nothing. He barely noticed Jaime coming up in front of him.

“You’re done for the day. If you want to go back to your trailer.”

“Yes, please.”

“You did really great. I don’t think anybody noticed anything strange.”

“That was the worst thing that’s ever happened to me,” Tony confessed, but at least he wasn’t on the verge of crying anymore. “And I’ve been tortured by terrorists in a cave with a car battery powering my heart.”

 

* * *

 

 Back at Lazarus’s trailer awaited a few more bags filled with more of the materials and tools he had asked for. It still wasn’t enough to completely finish the quantum field generator, but he could make a lot of progress, and hopefully the next day, or the other at the most, it would be ready. Tony still didn’t know if the generator would get him back to his universe, but he was positive that it was what brought him here, somehow, so it was his best bet at the moment. And besides, building things was the best remedy he knew for forgetting what had just happened.

“Do you want me to bring you dinner?” Jaime asked.

“No, thank you. I’m going to keep working on this. Hopefully when it’s finished it will bring me back home.” Tony smiled at Jaime.

“When will that be?” Jaime asked.

“I’m still missing a few things. Maybe tomorrow if the last of the list arrives. Why, eager to send me back and deal with Lazarus again?”

“Not at all. I mean, Kirk Lazarus is Kirk Lazarus, but you… You are amazing, Tony.”

“Thanks, kid. You deserve better than being an asshole actor’s assistant.”

“I want to be a director. But even with a filmmaker degree, that was the only job I could find in the industry.”

“You’ll be one hell of a director, Jaime. Maybe one day you will direct an Iron Man remake. Where he travels into another universe.”

“Maybe.” Jaime smiled. “I enjoyed today. Even if I first thought Mr. Lazarus was having a meltdown.”

“Well, I’m glad you believed me. Or maybe I really would have had an ugly meltdown.”

It was getting awkward, but Tony was emotionally tired, so he had the courage to step ahead and embrace Jaime in a tight but brief hug. He backed off before it became _too_ awkward.

“Alright, kid. Have a good night, see you tomorrow.”

“See you tomorrow, Tony. You have more filming programmed for the morning. Wake up at seven.” Tony groaned, but Jaime left before he could complain. Could he fake being sick, tomorrow? Or dead?

With the motivation of imminent acting, Tony started working with the generator again, and as it always happened when he was immersed in a project, time was lost to him. Hours ticked by without him really noticing, until suddenly, when he was walking to the coffee machine to replenish his cup again, he felt a jolt and fell down on the floor.

“Why?” Tony asked, with his eyes closed. Maybe Lazarus had vertigo or something.

“Did it work?” A familiar voice said, and Tony opened his eyes. Steve was crouching besides him.

“Steve? It that you?” Tony smiled in relief before Steve could say anything, because he could see he was back in the lab, the _real_ lab, not the set.

“Tony. Thank God you’re back.”

“JARVIS?”

“Here, Sir.”

“It’s good to be back.” Steve helped him up, and Tony brought his hand up to his chest, relieved he could feel the arc reactor there, steady. Bruce and Natasha were there too, and in the worktable in front of him there was the field generator, running. Tony quickly turned it off, just to be safe.

“Did you recreate the conditions?” Tony asked Bruce, who nodded. “Nice. I was trying to build it again, but I didn’t have enough resources, yet.”

“See, Steve, I told you that would have been Tony’s first choice.”

Steve scoffed behind him, and Tony laughed. Not hysterically like before, but a real, heartfelt laugh.

“Did you meet Lazarus?” Tony asked, already suspecting the answer.

“Yes,” said Steve. “It was… something. But I’m glad you’re here.”

“Me too. You wouldn’t believe what I had to do. I had to act, Steve, as myself! And all of you were there, but not really! And the script was garbage!”

“Yes, Kirk mentioned it. We won’t let that happen, okay?” That was the same expression he’d seen a few hours before on Evans’s face when he’d said they’d lose together, but that was Steve, the real Steve. So it wasn’t sad, just reassuring.

“Okay,” Tony smiled, glad to be back home again.


End file.
